The Look of Love
by starcompass
Summary: Jake leaves Rawley after summer session without revealing her true gender. Only Bella knows her real sexuality, but Jake doesn't know that. Then, Hamilton finds himself needing a friend and goes to New York seeking a "Jake Pratt".
1. Default Chapter

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THE LOOK OF LOVE

By starcompass [aircompass@hotmail.com]

On the sturdy wooden desk sat a silver laptop with an unfinished document gracing the screen. Beside it lay a black permanent marker, a roll of masking tape, a large sheet of stiff pale blue paper, a paintbrush and some silver paint. It looked to be a project of some sort, something that was waiting to be done, but had yet to be started. Somewhere on the floor sat a trunk, a medium sized box and a small portable stereo, churning out "Satellite" by the Dave Matthews Band. On the other side of the room, a blue cap was perched on a wooden bedpost, a pair of dirty socks hung askew and half-off the bed, and a slight figure lay in a blissfully oblivious state of sleep. 

The small form was in a semi-fetal position, still fully dressed in baggy jeans and a plaid long-sleeved flannel shirt thrown over a navy blue t-shirt. The pale, narrow feet were tucked in, as if the owner had been trying to keep them warm. In the dim moonlight, one would be surprised to notice that each toenail had been painted a powder blue shade, which was in extreme contrast to the owner's loose clothing and shorn hair. 

The slumbering face was a similar story. The short, piece-y haircut caused the sleeper's face to jut out in sharp male angles, but the smooth, less than hairy skin and curving structure left room to change your mind. Which was a plausible doubt, because the slight figure sleeping on the bed was a Jacqueline Pratt. Otherwise known in the area as "Jake".

Her face was tear-streaked, and she had evidently exhausted herself crying into the clothes she was supposedly packing. Stirring slightly, Jake opened her eyes and cringed when she realized she'd left her bra and corset on. Grunting softly, she pulled off the shirts and undid the corset, thankful she had worn a sports bra the day before. 

Her eyes turned to the fiercely blinking neon green clock on the dresser. 5:30 AM. Jake figured it was around that time, it was still pretty dark out. Exhaling loudly, she took up a towel, toiletries and clothes to change into and decided to take a bath. She would have laughed out loud. 5:30 was such a weird time to take a bath.

Jake locked the trunk securely and pushed it against the wall beside the box she had just sealed. She fell back on the bed drained from the 2 and a half hours she'd spent packing up her things. It was now 8:15 in the morning and she had about an hour or so to kill before going to English, with Finn, who had grown a heart and cancelled crew practice.

She leaned her head against headboard and sat in an upright position. Her fingers came up to rub the bridge of her nose, and she exhaled loudly.

Not even she could remember what it was that possessed her to purchase a corset, a couple hundred dollars worth of men's clothes and an application to Rawley Boys Academy. It had to be the most twisted, idiotic idea anyone had ever come up with to grab attention. Not that it was entirely original --- but it took a completely frustrated, demented person to pull it off.

Besides Jake felt that she wasn't really cut out to get pregnant or do drugs. She wasn't really at a point where she felt the need to turn to sex, drugs or booze. Really, her mother was an actress but the whole OD-ing scene had never appealed to Jake. It was so…River Phoenix. 

Not that her mother would ever notice. 

Three weeks into the summer session and Jake realized that Monica probably didn't bother to read her letters, and was surprised to note that that fact wasn't what was bothering her. Perhaps she'd learnt her lessons years ago. Maybe somewhere in the recesses of her heart she'd accepted that she couldn't push her luck. Monica probably didn't realize how things were and Jake found herself tired of constantly forcing her mother's eyes to turn in her direction. She thought it was about time to let fate take on its role.

What actually bothered her was the whole deal with her gender. The idea had sounded absurd to her, and yet, there was something oddly fascinating about it. She had thought of it just as Joseph Fiennes unraveled Gwyneth Paltrow's womanly assets in Shakespeare in Love. And she had pulled through with the whole plan the first two days of class.

And then Hamilton Fleming came along. The moment he'd nudged her saying she had a cool bike, Jake found herself searching her mind for something droll to say. She found that lying wasn't as easy as she'd though, especially since a pair of the most lucid blue eyes she'd ever been witness to were staring at her intently. Who could even think coherent thoughts when that face watched your own in all of its mind-numbing pulchritude?

It just couldn't be done. 

So she exposed herself to his charm in the guise of a boy, hoping against hope that the attraction she'd begun to feel at the pit of her stomach would fade. But she had never been very lucky and instead ended up liking him even more. They hung out together a lot, and she ended up kissing him very briefly on the rooftop of the dorms.

There was something people had to understand about Jake. She had been unable to control herself mainly because Hamilton was adorable, and because they were on a rooftop. Rooftops had always been, in her opinion, heaven on a bunch of buildings. 

Jake had grown up believing rooftops were these magical portals to paradise, because there was nothing between her body and the sky. As a child, her most vivid memories of happiness revolved around rooftops. 

She could remember spending nights on rooftops with her father. He'd died when she was just 6 years old, and Jake couldn't recall any truly familial moment she'd had since he died. Her mother had dropped her basket, and refused to pick it back up because it was too heavy. When her father had been alive, her parents often spent their time with her. Jake remembered late night twirling sessions, her parents waltzing to unheard songs. She remembered bedtime stories, with all the different voices, as she drifted off to sleep. She remembered warm hands and comfort in her parents' arms. But when her father passed away, it was as if her mother had forgotten all about her in her grief.

But the memory of those nights on the rooftops stayed with Jake. She firmly believed that everything was possible and beautiful on a rooftop. As if suddenly, she would be able to leave the world a little while and just float among the population. It seemed to her, the only truly beautiful thing that had a grain of truth in it.

So she kissed him. And as much as she thought she ought to regret it, she didn't. Because for the briefest of moments, she'd felt his mouth relax and herself let go. Then he'd remembered who he was kissing and they broke the contact. She couldn't keep the smile of her face, but she bolted from the rooftop. There were too many romantic elements there for her to keep her composure. 

And their friendship, after a couple of weird moments, remained stable. Jake had been all set to reveal her true gender, but chickened out when he'd walked away from her. She'd run into the men's bathroom and muffled her sobs in the white dinner jacket she'd been wearing, only coming out when some announcements were being made and no one was looking towards the doors.

But three months pretending to boy and hanging out with the one guy you wanted to kiss did twisted things to an adolescent girl. Especially with one as confused as Jake was. She blew some wisps of hair away from her forehead and closed her eyes. Maybe she had time for a nap.

Hamilton Fleming gently nudged his friend awake. 

"Jake!" He hissed at the sleeping boy. "Wake up! We have Finn in half an hour, and you still have to finish and print your essay." Jake Pratt muttered a few, choice, garbled words before turning away. Hamilton shook the frail shoulders hard.

Jake's slight body almost bounced off the bed before the green eyes opened and a groan escaped his lips.

"Hamilton." Jake croaked. "What's the big idea?"

"You, my friend, have exactly half an hour to finish your last paper for Finn's summer session, print it and seal those boxes by the door as I sit on your bed and amuse myself by watching you plow your way through your work." 

Jake merely rolled his eyes and grunted in response before standing to face the computer. The boy muttered several curses and something about shoving Hamilton out the window. Hamilton chuckled and settled himself comfortably on Jake's bed, absently flipping through the required reading (Edith Hamilton's "Mythology"). Casually he glanced up and watched as his friend typed furiously on the silver laptop. Hamilton shook his head slightly.

He had never before encountered such a person, both physically and --- psychologically? Hamilton himself couldn't find the words. Occasionally, he would find himself telling Jake things he had never ever thought of telling anybody. Something about the new kid caught Hamilton --- a certain pull of friendship maybe?

He'd never had such a friend before.

He'd never trusted anyone with so much of himself either. Jake simply took all of the information in and kept quiet. He'd divulged secrets about his photography, his problems with his parents, his frustration with himself. Jake never seemed to find him odd, but smiled enigmatically while nodding his head in encouragement. It was almost like talking to a shrink, only more fun. And Hamilton was glad to have that.

The friendship worked so well, sometimes Hamilton was afraid of losing all that. So he was careful to give his friend the same amount of consideration he'd been given. And that was really not a problem for him anyway. He was glad to hear what Jake had to say. Oftentimes, he asked for Jake's opinions or advice because he knew Jake would understand his perspective of things, yet give him a different way of looking at them.

Of course, he hadn't applied this approach to their shared kiss on the rooftop. It freaked him out in any number of ways mainly for two reasons. One, he'd never thought of Jake, much less himself in THAT way. The second was that he actually enjoyed it.

He cringed and sneaked a peek at the frantic tousled boy tapping away on the keyboard of the computer. 

Sometimes, he didn't know WHAT to think. But Jake had apologized and explained (well, in a roundabout sort of way) that he'd merely slipped. It was, Jake said, hormones, lack of estrogen in the environment and plain stupidity. In other words, it was nothing. Hamilton had gratefully accepted the explanation but…

But there was a twitch Hamilton just couldn't shake. Sometimes he lay in bed at night, staring blankly at the ceiling, trying to sort things out logically. And he always ended up with the kiss. Hamilton shuddered and buried his face into Jake's blankets.

And sniffed. They smelled good. Kinda like Jake.

ARRRGH. And there he goes again, Hamilton thought, mentally smacking himself. There was something magnetic about him that Hamilton couldn't put his finger on. For the trillionth time, he turned the facts over in his head.

There was that smell. It was a clean soap and water smell with a faint sweetness he couldn't place. It just seemed…not right, on a teenage boy. And yet, the smell belonged to Jake. As did the startlingly green eyes that always seemed to be so sad --- and somewhat confused. Then there was the slight frame, and soft hairless skin.

When he thought of the kiss, he went beyond, and often found himself imagining what it would be like to kiss Jake again. 

Jake was a very pretty boy, and as sick as Hamilton thought it was of him to do ---he once found himself imagining Jake to be a girl. And this further frustrated him.

Jake made a very pretty girl.

"Wake up dude, I'm done with 10 minutes to spare!" Jake said, shaking Hamilton awake, her voice ringing in the room triumphantly. He merely wrinkled his nose and turned over. Jake's heart began pounding loudly in her ears as she leaned over to touch him again. She felt her cheeks warm up when she took in the sight before her.

Hamilton's eyes were buttoned up so tightly that his eyelashes brushed against the perpetually blushing cheeks. He wore a somewhat troubled expression look on his face, and his dark hair stuck out every which way. 

He looked just like this little boy with a booboo. She smiled at him and pushed some hair off his forehead before realizing what she'd just done. Jake hastily drew her hand away from his forehead and continued to shake him violently awake.

The bleary blue eyes opened slowly and Hamilton shook himself away.

"What's the deal?" He muttered. Jake laughed and waved her paper in front of his face. Hamilton wrinkled his nose. "What is THAT supposed to be?" 

"My paper, Grouchy. Whoops…" Jake said, comically twisting her face into a horrified expression. "Did I say GROUCHY? I MEANT Munchie, Munchie." Hamilton shook his head and hastily stood up. 

"I could kick your ass so hard, your children will have my foot as a birthmark."

"Awww, was that a threat Hammie?"

"SHUT UP, Jake."

"Not even in your dreams, Fleming. I know you dream about me!" Jake taunted, and slid out the dorm room door. Outside, she leaned her head against the wall. In his dreams? Ha! NOT EVEN IN HERS. She sighed. What WASN'T wrong with this picture. 

But Jake hadn't seen Hamilton's face grimace and his back stiffen when she'd left him. Left standing in the middle of Jake's dorm, Hamilton shook his head.

Jerry Springer would LOVE this. Sighing, he turned to leave the room.


	2. Chapter II :)

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THE LOOK OF LOVE: Part II

By starc*mpass

FEEDBACK: would be appreciated, but I'm not going to force you. :D

Jake leaned her head against her knees, half-listening to Finn's monologue and half-wishing Hamilton knew she was a girl. They hadn't been late to class --- not that it mattered to her anymore. Everything was swimming again, her problems were merging and they were turning her into this MASSIVE emotional time bomb.

And Finn was certainly not helping, that wanker. There were times she was glad to be leaving. Jake turned everything over in her mind. Technically, EVERYONE was leaving in a few days. But she would be the only one leaving for good.

She couldn't really remember when she had decided to leave but she was dead set on going. Playing the boy game wasn't really working for her. Everything was twisted when she was "Jake". The stupid boxer shorts, the sketchy moments, the hyperactive hormones and the emotional turmoil had given her more than enough experience to stop and think twice before launching another Brandon Teena campaign. 

Jake stretched out her cargo clad legs slowly.

"Jaaaaaake." Finn drawled out as he always did when he noticed a student's inattention. "The night is for sleeping. You should try it out sometime." The older man said blandly. Will and Scout laughed quietly. Hamilton merely smiled. "Did you read the story?"

"Do you still call it Required Reading or have you come up with something more creative?" she blurted out without thinking. She flushed. Finn grinned and continued pacing. 

"Did you find it believable?" Jake thought about this.

"Yes and No." she said thoughtfully, looking up at her teacher. He seemed surprised with her answer, but his expression quickly became one of interest. Will turned to look at her quizzically. She shrugged.

"Care to expound on that Mr. Pratt?"

"Well, it's not believable because of the fairy tale-like quality of the details. Golden Rams, gods and goddesses, talking ants. We do, after all, live in the Digital Age. We're talking Oz and not Kansas." Finn nodded in encouragement. "But it's believable because once you strip the story of the fantastic elements and just look into the emotional core, we find the quintessential love story." Jake could feel Ham looking at her, and she would have had the grace to blush if she hadn't been looking at Finn. THANK GOD she was looking at Finn. Taking a deep breath, she continued. "The characters discover love, lose it, then hunt it down again. Literally. And while they do all this, they encounter the everyday circumstances that fill our lives. Parents who don't seem to understand, the elements of nature, and the blunders you make as a human. The story in itself speaks of real problems, real pain. It's honest --- and that's what makes it believable."

"Well said, Mr. Pratt. Have you been discussing homework with Mr. Krudski?" Finn said, a smile plastered on his face. Jake nodded her thanks, and shifted her position slightly. "Now Mr. Calhoun, please tear your gaze from Ms. Bennett long enough to tell me…"

Jake was no longer with Finn or the others. Her mind had different to on to other things --- or other people. Namely, her gaze had wandered on over to Hamilton's vicinity. And instead of hearing Finn, she was hearing Afghan Whigs. 

__

You walked in, just like smoke with a little come on, come on, come on. In your walk, Come on I've been waitin', Are you waiting…

If she had been aware of what had been happening to her, Jake would have smacked herself on the upside of the head. Caught in a McBeal moment. But as was when one got caught in the moment, Jake was completely unaware of her surroundings.

__

So tell me baby, can you shake it? If I can move it with ya, will you let me take it? I'll be down on my knees screamin' take me, take me, take me, take me! I'm yours…

Her eyes were obscured by the clumps of longish hair drooping in front of her eyes, which had its advantages. Ham seemed unconcerned with Finn's lecture and was too busy looking at the other students rushing back and forth the gardens. He still wore the thoughtful expression on his face --- as if he was trying to absorb everything surrounding him without looking like he was doing so. Jake bit back a snicker then stopped as Ham's eyes followed a passing short skirt. She tried not to look jealous and lowered her head so her hair would fall past her eyes some more.

__

I've never felt so out of control, you don't even know what you're doin' to me, come on and do it to me, don't you stop…

She was too busy watching Hamilton ogle the passing "chicks" to tell him that Finn was calling his attention. Not that she even cared. She was seeing too much red to care. Until Hamilton abruptly jerked his face around and Jake fell backwards in surprise.

"Mr. Pratt, I would ask you to lay off the caffeine." Finn smirked. Jake nodded sheepishly, and felt her cheeks grow warm. She suddenly wanted her girl hair back. 

"And you, Mr. Fleming…"

"And you, Mr. Fleming…" Hamilton nodded, slightly embarrassed, but looking nonplussed. "Mind keeping your thoughts to PG-13 until we finish today's class? And while you're at it…kindly enlighten us with your thoughts on the reasons WHY Eros told Psyche that love could not exist without trust?" 

Hamilton thought about this for awhile. He took some time out to gather his thoughts first, seeing as he HAD read the story, but had been too preoccupied with other things to pay attention to the class. He was thinking Jake must have been pretty blown away too, his friend was turning a dark tomato red shade. 

"Well…" Hamilton began lightly. Why HAD Eros said that? "I guess he wanted to sort out his emotions…" He said hesitantly. Finn tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Go on, Mr. Fleming."

"Well…seeing that Eros was the god of Love --- he himself had never fallen in love before. If you read it, the moment he sees Psyche, the writer says; '…As he looked upon her it was as if he had shot one of the arrows into his own heart…' He was obviously was confused, because he could barely imagine anything like that. So he felt he had to say something, to somehow express the mixed-up feelings inside of him so it would be easier for him to deal with. And partly so Psyche would know, even in a really scattered, uncertain way that he couldn't understand what he was feeling himself." 

The whole class was quiet, and looked at him with surprise. Will raised an eyebrow at him, and Jake smirked. (At least Hamilton THOUGHT, Jake was smirking.) Finn's smile widened as he looked at Hamilton.

"THAT, Mr. Fleming, is what you call using your noggin! It's good for something after all. I actually got you to say something more than 'pondscum' or 'personality'!" He declared triumphantly. Hamilton's cheeks colored quickly, but he managed to laugh good-naturedly with everyone else. He would complain later. He felt a nudge on his elbow with a sneaker, and turned to face Jake. His friend merely shook his head and mouthed "wanker". Hamilton tried not to laugh out loud. He should have known Jake would say that.

[K's Choice – Almost Happy begins to play] 

Scout Calhoun thoughtfully watched as events unfolded in the world below. He pressed his elbows against the cement ledge of the rooftop and peered over it --- observing the students coming in and out of the building.

"Why," Will mused, "Do I get the feeling that you're thinking possibly censored thoughts of topless beaches FAR FAR AWAY from New Rawley?" Scout grinned cockily. 

"You can say that. Like the Beatles said, I'll be free as a bird."

__

If I could look beyond your face and photograph your hidden place, would I find you smiling in the picture? 

"Well at least someone's going to have fun." Hamilton grumbled from his place beside Will. "I don't GET a vacation. My life is one long semester at Rawley --- except that my parents are ALWAYS around and I'm not loaded." 

"At least you HAVE a home." Will said.

"At least you know were to find your parents when you need them." Jake muttered. Scout looked over at Jake, then back to Hamilton. Jake continued. "I mean, I have only one parent left, and half the time I don't even know where in the world she might be. The only thing I have at home that I care about is Consuela and my room. My mother knows NOTHING about me, and sometimes, I don't even think she cares."

__

I don't know what you want because you don't know, so what's the point of asking? You're almost happy, almost content. But you're head hurts…

"But you're still leaving Rawley?!" Scout said incredulously. "I mean, if you're happy here, why leave? At least you're happy." Will nodded in agreement.

"I would think you would do either of two things. The Hell's Angel thing…" Will paused at Jake's skeptical look, and Hamilton's muffled snicker. "Which concerns you hightailing out of New York. But then, you already did that. So, that leaves the angry Rebel child. Which is staying here, as Scout said, because that's for your best interests." Jake shook her head.

__

Far too many ways to go, we learn so much but never know, where to look or when we should stop looking. 

"Dude, that's not the point. I mean, I AM happy here – but my mom didn't order me to leave Rawley. It's MY decision. And I resent the Hell's Angel title, Krudski. The reason I'm really doing this is because BEYOND being happy, I need to fix myself first. It's that whole Midnight Train to Georgia complex." They looked up at her in confusion. She exhaled loudly. "It's a SONG, damn it. And what I mean by that is, I NEED to leave to be able to see things in a different way, so I'll be able to understand, you know…MY LIFE." She shook her head and exhaled again. "Now if you don't mind … I'm tired of listening to us whine. Let's go inside and see if we can hack into the message boards so we can ruin Ryder's reputation there at Rawley Girls." She said wickedly. 

__

You're almost happy, almost content. But your head hurts…

[Sick of Myself by Matthew Sweet drifting in the background]

Alone in his room, Hamilton thoughtfully looked out the window, his fingers idly strumming the guitar on his lap. Too impatient to play with his dogs, too preoccupied to talk to Will and Scout and far too muddled up to pay Jake a visit, he simply sat there and tried to figure himself out.

__

You don't know how you move me, deconstruct me and consume me…

He analyzed and started picking apart the conversation he'd had with Will, Scout and Jake up at the rooftop. He'd already known Jake was leaving since the first week they'd met, but at the time he'd merely shrugged the fact off and it simply slipped his mind. Now that he was reminded of it, he'd suddenly been overwhelmed by the idea.

__

I'm all used up, I'm out of luck, I am star struck, by something in your eyes and it's keeping my hope alive. I'm sick of myself when I look at you, something is beautiful and true…

Who would have thought that 3 months of their incessant, unadulterated, unrestrained conversations would have affected him this way?

__

In a world that's ugly and a lie, it's hard to even want to try. I'm beginning to think…

No one else got him like Jake did.

He doubted anyone else would.

__

Baby, you don't know.

__

Jake sat at her desk, her fingers busy spreading silver glitter over the blue paper that had been sitting on her desk for the past week. Among her surroundings were two half-filled boxes of clothes and personal objects, as well as her opened trunk. Her stereo was on again, but it seemed the CD she'd been listening to had finished sometime ago. 

If anyone had asked her what she was doing, Jake wouldn't have had an answer. She played around with stuff like that sometimes, her fingers would take on a mind of her own. She assumed that it came from the need inside her to keep her hands busy, because being alone most of the time caused her to find ways to entertain herself, and eventually found herself losing track of the time when blending colors.

She gingerly wiped the bridge of her nose with the back of her hand, but only succeeded in smearing more silver glitter on her face. Not that she was aware of that. Her face was itching, but she was feeling much better than she had right after the conversation she'd had with Will, Scout and of course, the source of her frustration, Hamilton.

"Hamilton." She murmured.

__

I'll take or leave, the room to breathe, the choice to leave you.

"You rang?" said an unmistakable voice behind her. Surprised, Jake fell from her chair and landed on square on her ass. A quirky, sad smile broke over his face as he offered a hand to help her stand. She blushed under his gaze, but looked down to keep him from seeing that. He raised his eyebrows when he realized that holding her hand had given his own smears of silver glitter. He raised his eyebrows.

"Idle Hands, Devon?" he smirked. She shook her head and rolled her eyes at him.

"You suck, Fleming." He laughed, and they shared a quick look before they both realized what they were doing and turned they heads away from each other quickly.

I'll throw away a chance at greatness just to make this dream come into play, I don't know if I'll find a way…

Hamilton suddenly felt a strong urge to wipe the glitter that had somehow found it's way to Jake's lips, but he shook it off hastily. Jake's green eyes looked at him in confusion and he smiled slightly in embarrassment.

__

Cause I'm sick of myself when I look at you, something is beautiful and true in a world that's ugly and a lie, it's hard to even want to try. I'm beginning to think, baby you don't know.

"So…" Jake began. "What brings you here?"

"I…you…all packed?" He said hesistantly.

"Well, I'm sorta done." She answered, looking straight at him. She began to wonder why he was was there, REALLY, what he was doing in her room all of a sudden. She was about to say so, when he looked up suddenly and turned to face her. She looked back at him expectantly. "What is it?"

"Need any help?" he asked. Jake started to think of any possible tell-tale girly thing she might have not packed yet, then decided there was none.

"Yeah, sure." She said, and shrugged her shoulders. "Why not." And they both stood to finish her packing.

"Hey Jake." She looked at him again.

"What is it now?" she laughed. "You're pretty zonked, you know that?" He laughed too.

"We…we had a good summer didn't we?" He said. Hamilton meant to say that he would miss him, but he couldn't bring himself to say so. He only hoped Jake would understand.

Jake nodded. She did.

__

I'm beginning to think, baby you don't know.


	3. Chapter III :)

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THE LOOK OF LOVE: Part III

By starc*mpass

NOTES/FEEDBACK: Okay I lied in Chapter 2 :D I'm a shameless hussy (if you're on FF: Please vote for Boston Public!!! YEAAAHH!!! :D) and I want to know how terrible or terrific you find this chapter :) . Heehee. This chapter is shorter than the past 2, but it's less conversation-intensive. It's more on Jake's ramblings. 

NEW YORK, Fall Semester

[New York Baby by Leona Naess playing]

New York in the Fall is said to be one of the loveliest things in the world. It is so gorgeous that they even named a movie after it. New Yorkers may agree or disagree, but on this perfect crisp Fall day, the streets of this city are swarming with the typical hordes of often disagreeable strangers struggling through the crowd trying to get past each other. Granted that it's rush hour, most people are going home.

Moving along with the disgruntled crowd is a sober young girl, dressed in the classic uniform of a schoolgirl. On her feet are a pair of scuffed black loafers and socks that just about cover an inch and a half over her ankles. Her regulation skirt of maroon and navy blue plaid ended just above her knees. Her blazer with the school logo on the right breast opened to reveal the regulation button down white shirt and school tie. She seemed to be thinking deeply about something, her serious green eyes were caught in a faraway gaze that would lead most people to believe that she had only been wandering aimlessly about the streets of the city.

She paused before turning a corner and adjusted the strap of her army green messenger bag. A stray lock of hair fell into her eyes and she blew it away with the corner of her mouth. The truth was that THIS girl knew the city like she knew the back of her hand. Her eyes flicked away from where she had been looking as she entered a building with a large green awning, briefly smiling at the pot-bellied doorman as she stepped in. The doorman smiled back.

"Had a bad day, Miss Jackie?" he asked her. She laughed roughly.

"The worst, Harry. Thanks for asking!" she called over her shoulder before entering the elevator. Harry merely chuckled in response.

"Consuela! I'm home!" Jake called from the doorway.

"In the kitchen!!!" a woman's heavily accented voice hollered back in response. Jake shrugged and headed over to the kitchen. Consuela was a heavy-set, middle-aged maternal lady, and she sat on a tall stool watching the Spanish soaps, dabbing a tissue to her eyes. English subtitles flashed at the bottom of the screen as the actor on the screen passionately spoke to his lover. "How was school?" she said, turning off the TV set and turning to Jake. Jake shrugged, a grim expression on her face. "Not good day, eh? Well, Consuela made you your favorite cookies, if that make you feel better. Check the jar, still warm from the oven." Jake eagerly pulled the cookie jar closer to her as Consuela poured her a tall glass of milk.

"It wasn't very entertaining." Jake sighed. "Mmmmm…did you just make these?" Consuela pushed the glass towards her and nodded. 

"Your dinner is in the microwave. You better promise me that you will eat it!" Consuela said, wagging a finger at her. Jake nodded and hugged Consuela affectionately.

"Gracias, Consuela." Consuela shook her head and turned to face her.

"Aiyayay Jackie!!! You promise you will! You are getting TOO SKINNY! Look!" she exclaimed and turned Jake sideways. "You are as thin as a tortilla! You need meat in your bones!" Jake laughed roguishly.

"Consuela, you exagerrate!"

"Ay muchacha! Consuela does NOT exaggerate! Now go do your homework and I will clean up here." Jake nodded, still laughing and started moving towards her room. "And remember to eat dinner!" Consuela called after her.

YOU'VE GOT MAIL. Three little words that have caused so many others an almost impossible range of emotions that it too had been used to name a major motion picture. Back in her bedroom, Jake Pratt anxiously opened her inbox and found a message waiting for her. 

--------- message ----------

insert date here, 4:38 PM

From: Hamilton Fleming caughtonfilm@rawley.net

To: Jake Pratt noreply@email.com

Hey Pratt! How have you been? Boy, when you say "no reply" you really mean it don't you? LOL. Well, jokes are half-meant, so I'm not sorry. Haha. Everyone's still asking about you. Half the semester is over and they still wonder where you've gone. Funny thing is, Will, Scout and I have nothing to tell them either. 

What's up with you? Are you keeping busy, so busy that you can't even reply to your old friends? Haha again. Well, Finn's got us up to out ears in both water (Crew) and required reading. Crew is exhausting and the new coxswain guy is a real butthead. No one likes him, and it really bites to have to listen to him.

Hey, remember your Bella and Will theory? Well, I took some pictures of them yesterday and it looks like you might be right. Haha, the shots look cool though. I hope I got them right. I'll scan them and send them to you. Tell me what you think.

Things aroung the Fleming homestead are really weird, but since I live in the dorms now (I room with Will, and Scout's across the hall with this guy named Oz He's pretty cool, but seriously obssessed with this Katherine Moennig girl. Oh, don't get me wrong, she's gorgeous…but the room's like a shrine to her or something…) I'm spared from all the crap going on.

Okay, this is my "journal entry" for the week. Mailing you is like mailing a shrink, only I'm not as pathetic as I might. Haha.

Ham 

"forgotten but not gone, you drink it off your mind. you talk about the 

world like it's someplace you've been." – the Goo Goo Dolls "Broadway"

---------- END OF MESSAGE ----------

[Lonely Cola Cherry Cola Girl by Bic Runga begins]

Jake resisted the terrible urge she had to click REPLY and instead closed the email. She had all 20, now 21 emails from him in her inbox. She refused to delete them, and didn't dare to answer them. It had been 3 months and 18 days since she'd left New Rawley, but who was counting? It's seemed like FOREVER to Jake.

__

Lonely Lola Cherry Cola Girl, how much do they pay you for your smile? 

Alone in your own creaming soda world, maybe you were happy for a while…

Well, to be fair, being back in New York as a girl, with new friends (who KNEW her real gender) made her happy. But she did miss the company she'd left behind. If she'd been to New Rawley as a girl, maybe she'd been happier. But THAT hadn't been part of the plan. And the plan had still backfired on her. Jake sighed. 

__

Lola you're a star tonight. Don't let them pluck you from the sky. 

Lonely Lola everybody knows, everybody calls themselves your friend. 

But later on tonight when it gets cold, Lola who's a-gonna hold you then?

She missed the Rawley kids terribly. She missed kicking Scout's butt on the Playstation, hanging out with Bella in the garage, playing board games with Will and Hamilton. She missed Hamilton. PERIOD. 

__

There's something in your eyes tonight. Forget them, and take them in your stride.

No one in New York knew her like Hamilton did. Well, yes, maybe it was true that he didn't know that she was Jacqueline Pratt. But he knew Jake. And that was more than most people (other than Consuela) could say that they knew about her.

__

My friends told me bout how you've been getting out but no one seems to know your name. Slide on through the crowd and let them talk aloud, they only want to hold ya but do they really know you Lola?

Jake sighed heavily. She was tired of doing this to herself, constantly backtracking into the zone of Rawley. Sometimes she thought that she might be forty years old one day, over the hill, bitter and alone with her memories of that summer, with that boy with beautiful eyes and the one kiss she'd ever had with him. The one that got away. She mentally smacked herself. Pathetic, that's what she was.

__

So you say you're lonely, Lola, sure. Everybody gets that way sometimes. 

If only Lola, you could know the cure, Wait it out and Lola, you'll be fine

Jake found herself standing in front of her full-length mirror, half-undressed and staring back at her reflection. As if awed, her fingers reached out to touch the glass almost believing herself back on the grass of Rawley, listening to Finn discussing Narcissus.

__

It's easy if you try tonight, don't sit there and keep on asking "why?"

Finn had been talking about Narcissus when he'd asked them if they'd actually thought that Narcissus was so self-absorbed that he'd fallen in love with himself. Will had promptly answered his question. Yes, he'd said, but only to a certain degree. Narcissus was not enamored with his physical self, but something inside him that he'd never thought he'd had. It would seem like it was the first time he'd actually seen his true self to such a degree. 

__

My friends told me bout how you've been getting out but no one seems to know your name.

She shook herself out of her reverie, her fingers still touching the glass before her. She pulled them away quickly, as if burned but she never took her eyes of the mirror. She was Narcissus, and Hamilton was the lake. Jake laughed inwardly, somehow amused by the sad description she had for herself. The only analogy she had been able to think of was yet another person of the opposite sex with a tragic story. But it was true. 

__

Slide on through the crowd, and let them talk aloud, they only want to hold ya, but do they really know you Lola?

I AM NARCISSUS, she thought wryly. Hamilton always managed to uncover things she possessed, magnify aspects of herself to her and made her realize that maybe she was worth something after all. Without even thinking about it, He'd passed brick wall and alligator-infested moat she'd built around herself undetected, and worked his way in. The result? She could not get him off her mind. And THAT made her Narcissus.

__

Do they really know you Lola?

One last look at her reflection and she closed the door to her closet. Then, she shut the laptop that sat on her desk and sauntered over to her window. Gazing out at the world below, she leaned her cheek against the cold pane and wondered about Hamilton.

__

Do they really know you Lola?


	4. Chapter IV :)

****

The Look of Love: Part IV

By: starc*mpass

NOTES/FEEDBACK: I love it :) Please do send me feedback if you have ANYTHING to say about it. You might be helping if you do :) Or…if you have any questions that you think I can answer, go ahead :D This chapter is Hamilton's turn at the POV. And guess what? Bella Liiiiiiivessss! :lol: . :D OOOh, and just so you know, this knowledge will come in handy in the middle of the chapter:

**__**

*Just so you know, in the movie 'Pretty in Pink', Andie ends up with Blane. In the book it was based on, she really ends up with Duck :D

****

Rawley Academy for Boys, Fall Semester

[Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun playing]

__

In my eyes, indisposed, in disguise as no one knows.

Hides the face, lies the snake, the sun in my disgrace.

Dinnertime at the Fleming household was never anything spectacular. No legendary banquets, antique family recipes and most of the time, no flavor. And since he'd moved to the dorms, Hamilton only had to endure the torturous supper with the parentals once a week. And sometimes, even THAT was too much.

__

Boiling heat, summer stench, 'neath the black, the sky looks dead

Call my name through the cream and I'll hear you scream again.

At the moment, Hamilton lay on his bed tossing a stress ball repeatedly against the ceiling. He was unable to make a decision about going home. He usually went home on Fridays, but Hamilton wasn't up to it. Just not today. 

Will found him in the same position a few moments later.

__

Black Hole Sun, won't you come, and wash away the rain

Black Hole Sun, won't you come, won't you come…[fade out]

__

"Hey." Will greeted. He waved back, then caught the stress ball he'd just tossed up. "I thought you were dining with the units tonight?"

"Eh." Hamilton grunted. "I'm not into it tonight." Will smiled in amusement at his friend's grumpiness.

"Well, Oscar, you better call your Mama Grouch and tell her that you're not coming, because I don't want to have to cover for you." The tall boy told him. Hamilton turned his face towards Will.

"Don't worry about it. I actually told her that I probably wouldn't come tonight when I ran into her this morning. I said I'd call if I was. So, no need to rack your pretty head about it, Keith Partridge." He teased. Will shot him a puzzled look.

"Keith Partridge?"

"You sound like him. You're like, groovy and big brother-y." 

"Hey, you gonna stay here all night?" Will asked him, not without laughing at his reply first.

"Well, I had no specific plans. Why, what are you up to?" 

"The same as you. Paige set up Oz with her roommate and convinced Scout to chaperone them. They asked me along, but I didn't really think Paige meant it, if you know what I mean…" Will paused. "Then YOU were supposed to eat at home, so I thought I'd bum around somewhere in my solitude…" he chuckled. 

"Well, are you hungry? I've been jonesing for a Friendly's burger and vanilla shake since my last class. Who knows?" A pause. "We can hang with Bella after, you know?" Hamilton said. Will ignored the last part and pulled on his coat.

"Let's go. I'm pretty hungry…"

[Ben Folds – Rocking the Suburbs chorus comes on, then fades out]

A burger had NEVER tasted so good. Hamilton chewed his first bite slowly, letting the taste soothe his somewhat disoriented mind. 

"Eat much?" Will joked.

"Krudski, I have been waiting for this moment for…"

"I don't know, Ham. I bet you say that to ALL the boys…"

"Shut up, Will." His friend laughed. A beat passed before Will spoke.

"You know, Ham, I know you don't usually feel like going to eat dinner at your house, but you do it anyway. What's so different about tonight?" He said seriously. Ham thoughtfully took another bite of his burger. It was any number of things he couldn't explain, really.

[Ben Folds Five – Don't Change Your Plans]

First off, there was something going on at home and he had no idea what it was. Hence, he had no idea how to deal. Granted, his parents had always been kind of extreme. The dean could just not find that line of distinction between being a father and husband, and being "THE DEAN". And then there was his mother, who tried so hard to make up for his father's conservative, old-fashioned attitude that she (although she didn't know this) ended up smothering him. But now that he was out of the house, there was definitely some tension he had never noticed before, hanging over the house.

Second, he felt he couldn't take a decent picture anymore. It was the loss of his inspiration, his need to take a good picture that disappointed. And the fact that he couldn't share his art with anyone else bothered him too. Everyone knew that he liked to take pictures, but he still found that he couldn't just tell anyone for fear that they might not see what he did. And he didn't just so random people to show his photographs to, it was sort of like, telling them his wildest, most embarrassing dreams. He hadn't shown anyone his work since…well, unless they were Jake.

And that was the third. He kept looking for a "Jake". A friendship like that. And as close as he had gotten to both Will and Scout, it just wasn't the same. In the innermost realms of his mind, he considered Jake the most complicated, yet important aspect in his sixteen years. Everyone said that it was perfectly normal to have, at the very least, ONE homosexual attraction in one's lifespan. In Hamilton Fleming's life, the embodiment of his ONE homosexual attraction would be Jake Pratt. Sexually, he was curious to know, to FEEL Jake's soft lips against his own just ONE MORE TIME. To touch the boy's soft dark hair, and to see that strange, almost glowing look flash in those brilliant green eyes. 

But without that "twitch", he missed the reassurance and comfort having Jake around gave him. Hamilton missed being understood, having someone make sense of all the completely ridiculous problems in his head. He also missed lending someone that kind of reassurance. In a way, he's always felt that Jake had needed him as much as he'd needed Jake. Just the knowledge that someone was there…well…

[song fades out]

"Yo, Ham." Will's voice brought him back. Ham blinked and realized Will was looking at him somewhat expectantly.

"I…uh…I'm sorry Will. Things are just really twisted right now." Will nodded, but said nothing. A moment of quiet passed before…

"Hey…mind one more?" a pretty blonde girl asked them. A smudge of dirt decorated her forehead, and she wore a ratty old men's flannel shirt and a broken in pair of jeans.

"Pump Girl!" Will greeted affectionately. 

"Hello Duck." She answered back as she sat down beside him. "Hamilton!" she exclaimed. "It's been awhile…" He laughed. 

"Yeah, it has. Hey…where's Sean?" Bella shrugged in response.

"Ah, I wouldn't know. We're kinda, not a couple…" Hamilton wisely said nothing, and Bella paused, looking at them. "So, how have the 'Richies' been treating you?" Will laughed at her remark, but Hamilton turned to face her, confused.

"Wait, WHAT?!" 

"Pretty in Pink?" she said, trying to catch his memory. "The 80's answer to 'She's All That'? Molly Ringwald, the social misfit redhead named Andie, Andrew McCarthy the 'richie' kid named Blane MacDonough and Duck, Andie's misfit best friend…" Hamilton got it.

"So, you're Andie?" Bella nodded. "And Will is Duck." Will raised his eyebrows as if to ask what he was getting at. "Didn't Andie and Duck end up together*?" Hamilton commented slyly before taking another bite of his burger. Both blushed a bright red and Will shot Hamilton a warning look. Hamilton put on innocent look and turned his attention back to the burger.

[Beck – Jack Ass plays] 

__

I been drifting along in the same stale shoes

Loose ends tying a noose in the back of my mind

On the walk home, Hamilton and Will walked side by side silently, their hands buried deep in their pockets, both somewhat deep in thought.

"Hey Ham."

"Yeah?" Hamilton replied slowly, as if savoring the night.

"What was it like for you, you know, growing up?" Will asked. Hamilton didn't answer for a long time, taking a moment to think of what he was going to say. Will turned to face him, but continued walking. "I mean, it's okay if you don't want to talk about it, I was just wondering…" Hamilton took a deep breath.

__

If you thought that you were making your way

To where the puzzles and pagans lay

I'll put it together: It's a strange invitation

"It was weird, Will. The only friends I had were my tutors, my mom and my toys. When I got a little older, photography and music replaced my toys. I couldn't hang around the Rawley kids because they were too old, too privileged or too busy to bother with a kid like me. They had their own lives to run…everyone in my childhood had their own lives to worry about."

"And now?" Hamilton shrugged.

__

When I wake up someone will sweep up my lazy bones

And we will rise in the cool of the evening

"It's STILL weird. Thing is, what I should have known since I was in kindergarten, I learned in the first few days of this summer session. That first day that I met you guys? I was trying to orient myself with the Rawley Academy that everyone else saw, because I didn't want to be any different. I used to take people around the school, showing them where to go. This is MY TERRITORY, but I wanted to UN-learn the ropes just to get along. And I wasn't really sure how to approach new people so we could be friends. Usually they were just parents looking to check out their son's new school."

__

I remember the way that you smiled

When the gravity shackles were wild

And something is vacant when I think it's all beginning

"If it makes you feel any better, it didn't seem like you didn't know how to make friends that first day. You were kinda, funny…but you were cool." Will chuckled. Hamilton smiled ruefully.

"All that worry for nothing. Who would've thought I'd turn out to be such a people person?" He said ironically, before continuing. "But, thing is Krudski, I'm still somewhere in between. I'm still not a privileged Rawley boy, or the regular small-town Townie boy. I still don't know where I should be, because if I don't belong to either social 'sect', what exactly am I?"

__

I been drifting along in the same stale shoes

Loose ends tying the noose in the back of my mind

"You're a fluke." Will said wistfully.

"You know," Hamilton answered, a sad half-smile lifting a corner of his mouth. "That's EXACTLY what Jake said." Will opened his mouth then closed it again, deciding to let Hamilton do the talking. As if he'd just remembered where he was, Hamilton looked up and smiled at Will somewhat sheepishly. "It's…really HARD to find someone you get along with that well, Krudski."

And for the remainder of the walk, they trudged along together, a companionable silence between them.

__

If you thought that you were making your way

To where the puzzles and pagans lay

I'll put it together: It's a strange invitation


End file.
